Journal of Dr GFW
Tuesday, 20 May, 1828
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Guilford County, North Carolina
I could see no bright aspect in the dark and gloomy horizon through which I was wandering. All appeared unpropitious and repulsive. my respite from suffering did not continue long this morning. But in this respect I was not disappointed because I was aware that another paroxysm would occur and prepared myself to receive it with resignation. This morning I was solicited strongly to partake of food, but I loathed the sight and smell, consequently refused to attempt it. The day passed away without taking notice of any particular except the unabated attention of Gage. He was constant at my bedside using every endeavour to make my situation as comfortable as he could. The medicine I was using operated well and much abated my suffering so that when evening came, I felt more like enjoying repose than I had for several nights passed. I really longed for a night of good sleep once more, not only for my own benefit, but that I need not disturb my friends whose rest had been much disturbed for several nights in consequence of my restlessness. Yet, I cannot tell why my mind was filled with fear and distrust, mingled with hope, which in a sick individual produces a species of disagreeable anxiety which I ever endeavoured to conceal within my own mind that others should not feel them or see that they were preying in my bosom. Night came, and silence seemed slowly to muffle every noice, and I requested Tyler and Gage to lay down and enjoy the silence so inviting and that if I should require assistance I would call them, that my inclination was to sleep. Now I was left to myself and a deathlike silence pervaded everything around me. I endeavored to assume an easy position to invite sleep, but in vain. No shapeor situation would solicit it. How unpleasant the situation to be unable to close your eyes, in feverish restlessness to be in a kind of stupid half wake, dreaming. The feeling cannot be described, but never forgotten when once endured. It is a dull, active state of animation, turn and turn and return. You find neither ease or sleep. Your eyes seemed forced open and will not close. Such was my case during this apparently long and tedious night.