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Friday, 27 March, 1829

This morning I cast my thoughts back twelve months and exclaimed, where was I? In Hopeton, New York, full of anxiety and apprehension. I was in a similar dilemma to a lost man in the wilderness. I knew not which way to go to find a home and at the same moment was starting from home, or from the parental roof. He who has never experienced my situation in life and the circumstances under which I was then placed, completely destitude, except the assistance obtained from others, can form no just idea of the feeling or sensation produced in the mind at such a moment. Many have left home and probably not knowing at the time where they would stop, but by far the greater number of these have the one thing needful that a small accident would at once define them all. But had misfortune assailed me on the road, a few days would ahve swept everything from me and I should have been as destitute as I was born. All this I thought before I made up my resolution to leave the place where I had spent the pleasant days of youth. And all those friends that had been endeared to me from my earliest recollection were now to be left. I was probably never to see them again. And above all and worse than all, an aged Father and Mother were weeping for me. It is not a pleasant moment and even now it can from sympathy feel the sensation of that moment. It is only one year since I left New York and where am I now? And what is my situation? And what are my feelings? It is probably I am some better in property, but my situation must now be more deplorable than at that moment, because I have acted in one or two instances very unwise and inconsiderate. This is the great misfortune of every unfortunate man; he himself is more to blame than the ominous stance that may be twinkling at the time he is home. My agreement with Gage is one improper step and for which I have suffered and expect to during its continuance. And my speedy adopting a friendship which will result in my leaving a single life.